Diary of an Airport

“Just hop on a plane, it’s only a 90 minute flight” they say

and of course I fall for it every time.

First, this is why it alway takes a DAY to get anywhere by plane (and why I have to charge for that much time if it’s a work trip). Here’s an overview of the timeline, the reality:

7.00 Get up, and pack

8.00 Leave house and drive to Heathrow

9.30 Arrive at parking and give in keys, wait for bus to terminal

10.00 arrive at Heathrow Terminal 5, queue to check in

10.30 Checked in, onwards to security

11.00 Cleared security, waiting for gate to be announced

12.00 Go to gate and wait there

12.30 Heading down to bus to take us to plane, then bus, then queue to get onto plane

1.00 We are on the plane!

1.30 Take off (“sorry for slight delay everyone”)

3.00 Arrive at destination country

3.30 We are off the plane and queueing for Customs

4.00 We are collecting our bags and heading for the taxi queue

4.30 We are in the taxi!

5.15 Arrive at hotel – everything went normally, but the whole day has slipped away, as always.

“But surely it’s not an unpleasant day?”

Well, YES IT IS!”

I’d much rather be running a training workshop in the UK than queueing at an airport. How quickly we forget the grim reality of airports…. So this time I made some notes on what REALLY happens when you fly through Heathrow….

(and from a disorganised airport it can be even worse, or when the computers are down, or there’s a strike or you lose your boarding card or it snows, or something is on fire….)

.

Here’s a GOOD trip, the typical airport experience:

• Travel to the airport
• Need to be there 2 hours earlier than the flight
• Plus an extra 45 mins allowed in case of traffic.
• Find the right terminal.
• Find the board which tells you which checkin desk
• No sign of that desk number
• Oh yes, it’s the one you walked past on your way in.
• Queue up – sometimes the check-in queue is VERY long!
• Nearly there. Two very slow people checking in before us: what on earth are they doing??
• Check in, – bags dropped no problem.
• Walk to customs
• Walk through the zigzag – queue not too bad
• Passport stamped.
• Walk to security
• Very long zigzag but at least it’s moving
• Belt off, laptop out, etc
• Through the scanner, have to be searched with a handheld beeper
• Belt and shoes back on.
• Walk through the long and winding perfume and booze section to get to the departure lounge
• Find a seat
• Decide to get a bit of food.
• Walk to the restaurant
• Queue for table
• Order over-priced food and eat food quickly.
• Walk to gate
• Sit at gate and wait
• Queue up to go past final security towards the plane.
• Wait (standing up) on the far side of the gate security for bus.
• Didn’t get on the first bus, wait for the second bus. 
• Short bus drive, all standing up
• First on bus means last off – everyone heads for the plane
• Queueing to the plane and up the little steps, (people are incredibly slow, sorting out their bags inside the plane). 

• Finally in the plane!   
• Find somewhere in the overhead lockers for your bag, not very near your seat.
• Sitting down next to someone who is – luckily –  okay.
• “Sorry everyone, takeoff is delayed, sitting in our seats for a while”
• Fly!
• while listening to baby crying.
• Knees touching the seat in front

• (Longer flight – the person in front of you reclines their seat – don’t even start me on that….)
• Arrive!
• Wait for a stand to be available
• Everyone standing up, waiting for the doors to open
• Door is open, waiting to get off while somebody fiddles with a bag from the overhead locker 
• Have to get to your bag in its locker, against the flow of everyone getting off the plane
• We’re off the plane!
• Walk down long corridors to passport control
• Zigzag queue for passports – very slow – (last time at JKF it was three hours!)
• The queue for whatever type of passport you have is the longest one
• Passport machine reads it on second attempt – didn’t have to wait for help and feel like an idiot this time
• Walk to baggage collection hall
• Find out which carousel it’s on.
• It’s the one right down the far end
• Wait for bags to arrive.
• Can’t see whether yours has arrived yet, because all the idiots stand right up close to the belt.
• Everyone else seems to get their bags first.
• Bag turns up, thank goodness it hasn’t been lost – always a dread.  
• Walk through the exit.
• Find Bus Stop 20, which is a long way away outside and very cold.
• Wait for parking bus to arrive.
• Bus shows up after 10 long minutes, pleased to get a seat,
• 15 minute bus ride to car parking 
• Queue up to get my keys back
• (thank goodness I’m not queueing for a hire car at LAX!)
• Find car in the car park, “it is at Y13” wherever that is…
• I’m in my car!
• Reinstall the sat nav from where it’s hidden in the boot
• Drive home via the M25 – 2 hours.

Conclusions:

a) surely airports can do better than this!!

b) this is why I charge the extra if it’s abroad, even if the flight itself is a short one.

c) what did I miss?

CC